Attachment/ Relationships

What is attachment?

Attachment is the deep and enduring emotional bond that connects on person to another across time.  It develops when we are babies, over the first few years of our lives based on the bonds we have with our primary care givers. As we get older, our attachment style stabilises and becomes our working model with how we relate to others. 

Our attachment working model:

  • determines how we enter attachment relationships (for example: friends, partners, peers)
  • is directed towards maintaining contact with others
  • is how we seek security and comfort and respond in distress

Why is attachment important?

Attachment is important because as a child it affected how we developed physically, emotional behaviourally and socially.  We were ultimately affected by the quality of the attachment relationship (by our carers).  Attachment as an adult influences our personal relationships and friendships.

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What are the main types of attachment?

There are four main types of attachments

  • Secure

If growing up we had a secure attachment with our caregivers we likely believed that our needs would be met, and our caregivers had our best interests in mind. We would have felt safe to explore our world, knowing our caregivers were available to use when we needed them.

A secure attachment would have supported our ability to build trust, coping mechanisms, regulate our emotions, improve our resilience and behaviours.

  • Insecure-Ambivalent

If growing up, we found our care givers were inconsistent, we may have felt that we could not rely on our carer givers to meet our needs. As teenagers, we may have struggled with thoughts of wanting to leave the home but also wanting security.  To ensure our caregivers were available to meet our needs we may have needed to heighten our emotional responses to get our needs met.

  • Insecure-Avoidant

If growing up, we found our caregivers tended to be distant and disengaged, we may have started to believe that our needs would not be met. In this type of attachment, there is lack of emotional closeness and comfort – we may not find our caregivers were emotional unsafe.  As teenagers we may have showed difficult behaviour (especially in conflict) and wanted to leave our family early.

  • Disorganised

If growing up we found our caregivers were frightening, extreme or passive, we may have been confused and unsure how to get our needs met. As teens, we may find it difficult to manage our emotions or personality, and peer relationships.

With insecure/disorganised attachment we may find that we have poor peer relationships, romantic relationships, symptoms of anxiety and depression, physical complaints/illnesses, and impulse control difficulties.

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Why work on attachment?

Unfortunately, our caregivers did the best with what they knew.  They were not taught how to be caregivers, they intuitively did what they knew from their own experiences.

As an adult, is your attachment style impacting on relationships that are important to you and impacting on your needs being met?

Attachment styles tend to persist across and within relationships. If your attachment needs are not met, you will experience higher levels of distress associated when difficult life events occur. You may find at times of distress attachment-related behaviours increase (hyperactivating, avoidant) even when these are counterproductive.  It can be helpful to see a therapist who can provide you with skills and tools to manage your unique attachment experiences.  At Bonacci Practice we can help you develop skills to deal with your attachment style. 

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If you would like to book an appointment get in touch with us on 0494 316 395 or fill in the form to the right.

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